Thoughts On Discussing Sex

Well, I'm enthused from a lively conversation over at Not the Religious Type recently about sex. If you haven't read it yet, read it, and read the comments... some really amazing things shared there. I decided to chime in that as a children's director, it's been a difficult subject for me to address. People, especially parents, all have opinions about how they want kids to be informed. Opinions on what to discuss. Opinions on when to discuss it. Et cetera! I'll spare you the stories on that; suffice it to say, WOW do parents have opinions! So I'm learning that it's a good idea to share a week ahead of time with parents, "Hey, just wanted to let you know we're going to be reading a Bible story that involves adultery," or, "sex", or whatever. And then remind them again before class on the day of. But that doesn't address how to address or engage in actual discussions with kids about it. It's not like churches can quietly tip-toe around this one: we're teaching from a book that openly and explicitly mentions sex over and over and over. Not only in the candid Song of Solomon (gotta love that the most explicitly sexual portion of the Bible was written by Solomon, a guy who elsewhere the Bible says is the wisest man who ever lived... ha!), but in the stories of various characters.

Tim cites an interesting article over at NTRT dealing with abstinence pledges. .

Based on those interviews with more than 20,000 young people who took virginity pledges, Bearman found that 88 percent of them broke their pledge and had sex before marriage.

88%! I only have theories about why this is the case... namely that I think "protecting our kids" is the wrong approach. I think "empowering kids to make wise choices" is a much better way. But again, they're only theories so I'll move on.

The vision to me goes something like: we want to empower healthy, successful sexuality. Right? I mean, no one wants kids to have unfulfilling sex or marriages or dating experiences. How we define "healthy" is the rub. I wonder what you think IS the best way for churches to empower healthy sexuality. As one commenter at NTRT points out, the church has done an abundant job of effectively shouting "ABSTINENCE!" really loudly. But that's a message; it isn't a conversation. As the article points out, perhaps it isn't the most effective strategy. Another approach would be to avoid the topic. "Let the parents deal with it." Unfortunately, I don't feel I have that liberty to avoid a conversation simply because it's difficult. And parents might be tempted to say the reverse, "Let the church deal with it. Send my kid to a class." But I wonder if we could come up with some kind of collaborative way to engage kids in helpful dialogs. Christopher Greco (again at NTRT) points out that these sorts of conversations have basically changed his whole life for the better. I went through several such classes that Christopher & Dorothy led as husband and wife... amazing things came from that.

I've seen church curricula that try to teach a dating & sex philosophy that goes something like, "love, marriage, sex, babies." It falls short for me because, as a child or teen, that doesn't answer my questions about sex. It's just another rule. I don't need more rules regarding sex; I need answers. Or perhaps life-giving, non-defensive, non-judgmental discussion.

I guess I have to go back to this: sexuality lends itself to two-way dialog. Why? What human being on the planet, married or single, has all the answers to sexuality? It's so closely tied to one's beliefs, values, experiences, etc. Dialog, not just "education", seems like it has to play a role at some point. Dialog seems like the only way to address ongoing questions, especially when everyone is at a different place in their sexuality.

So there's some thoughts. What do you think? Any suggestions on how churches could address the topic with kids?